walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
