I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
