i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
