just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
