i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
