i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
