I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
