im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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