I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
