Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
