Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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