Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
