capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
