I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
