Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
