Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
