I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
