If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
