sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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