I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
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