Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
