If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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