so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
