Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
