Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
