Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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