I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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