Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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