I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
