I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
