Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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