The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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