i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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