Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
