Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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