Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
