Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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