About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
