Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
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