his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
