I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
