I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
