im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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