At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Randomize
