my phone needs a breathalizer
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
