This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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