i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
