Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
