before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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