Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
