I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
